I have good days and bad days and today is not a good day. Not only do I not feel good, but I took a preg test this morning and it was negative. I was really thinking and hoping I was. Surprisingly I did not cry, but I'm sure that will come when my monthly gift arrives. Not sure why that hasn't happened yet. Which is even more aggravating because I feel like I am being teased. I am three days over and nothing but the test says no. So instead of accepting the fact, I sit there and wonder if I really am, but asking why it hasn't shown up by now. I wish I would just start so I don't have to wonder myself to death. It really is exhausting. I talk myself out of it because the test says no, but then that "what if" creeps back in and it starts all over again. I know that more then likely I am going to have to have the surgery at the end of the month to remove the scar tissue, but that's a month away. That's a month of torment and still trying. I wish I was more patient. I almost wish this desire wasn't so huge. I wish I was one of those people who would be ok to not have any kids. But that's not me at all. I have wanted kids as young as I can remember. I never wanted to be a ballerina, a nurse, an astronaut. Nope, I always wanted to be a mom. Always. A stay at home mom, who adored her husband and kids. I'm sure when I do get pregnant I will look back on these days and realize just how impatient I was being.
2 comments:
speaking from experience, you won't look back and think you were impatient. at least, i don't. those couple years were hard. really hard. i think it makes me more grateful for what i have, but i never feel like i was impatient.
seeing another BFN, especially when you thought you'd see two lines there, is rough. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. i cried all the time. in the tub. it was my safe place. if you ever need to chat or vent, email me. you can link to my facebook from my blog.
saying a prayer for you!
Thanks Brynn! I really appreciate it!
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