Wordless Wednesday

The Sparks/Russell Family and Grandparents

Sister #1

The Shaw Family and grandparents

Sister #2

 Cowan Family and grandparents

Sister #3

The grandkids

The great grandkids

A Great Weekend

It was definitely a great 4 day weekend. Although I missed my husband and wished he was with me, I had an amazing time with the fam that I only get to see about 2 maybe 3 times a year. I love spending time with them which makes me want to move to Indiana even more. It's probably not going to happen this year but I can still wish and pray that we do move there soon. I want the close knit, Sunday lunches, Saturday game nights, let's go shopping, hang out, kind of family. My husband has this with his family because alomost all of them live in the same town or very close. I want my kids to grow up knowing their extended family, playing with their cousins, and being as close to their grandparents as I am with mine. I want that for my kids and I guess a little selfishly for myself. I have never lived close to any of my family except for my brother. But he has moved away and I miss having him and his family around. Not only do I want this for my kids and myself, but I love my family. We get along so well and I want the chance to grow even closer. Maybe some day we can find jobs where they live and I can have my wish. That's what I keep telling myself.

While I was in town my cousins came down to see us. I got to love on baby Gracie the whole time. Made me want one even more. She is sooo tiny and sweet. She's two and a half months and only weighs nine pounds. Tiny little thing. She smelt so good and melted my heart. One of my other cousins came up and we all got to see her growing pregnant belly which made me yearn for my belly to be growing too. I went shopping to buy her some gifts since I probably won't be seeing her before the baby is born in July. Made me want to just keep the stuff for myself. Ready for it to be my turn. Still thinking positive and praying this is the month. Why is it that when you are trying and can't get pregnant there are always babies and pregnant women everywhere?

One Page Layouts

I use to do one page layouts ALL the time. It's all I

did in fact. But I soon became accustomed to two

page layouts and now they are ALL I do. I try to

throw in a couple of one pagers here and there and

usually love the finished product.

My mom and her two sisters

Cousins!

This is one of my all time favorites! I love the picts

of my grandparents and I love how the page

turned out.

Family



Big Boy Bowling Party

So since I got to go the party, I thought I would share a

couple of picts with you. Plus my nephew is so darn cute,

I just knew you would enjoy them! Kobi turned five, and I can

not believe it! Seems like just yesterday he was born.

He wanted to have his party at the bowling ally this

year so that's what we did.

Momma and Kobi

He had a blast!

Blowing out the candles

Lots and lots of presents!

Since they stayed with us on his actual birthday

I made him birthday waffles. He got to pick the

color, then once he chose and they were half

way cooked, he decided he didn't want

green waffles. We made it into a big deal that

he was the birthday boy and only "he" got special

waffles, that changed his mind.

The Big Birthday Boy!

I'm Ready...............

for it to be my turn. I'm ready to pee on a stick and get two pink lines instead of one, and have the experience of telling my husband and seeing how he reacts. (really I have no idea how he will react since he's never been "excited" to have a baby) and telling our families. I have always wanted to surprise them in some special way. I'm ready to have a growing belly and the glow of pregnancy, and people excited for me. I'm ready to hear for the first time the heart beat, find out what it is, and register for all those sweet little things. I'm ready to have morning sickness, swollen ankles, and heart burn. I'm ready to have a c-section and experience that first little cry with my husband and see his reaction to a sweet bundle of joy. I'm ready for friends and family to visit at the hospital and tons of pictures. I'm ready for sleepless nights, screaming fits, and dirty diapers. I'm ready to join the "yes, we have kids, lets schedule a play date" club. I'm ready to fit in with this club and not be left out because we don't have kids. I'm ready to join the club of motherhood, to understand what all those mothers are talking about and be aloud to have an opinion because "yes I do understand". I'm ready to throw birthday parties, make fun crafts, and enjoy things you just don't enjoy as much as if you had kids. I'm ready. 

 I'm sure one day I will look back at my time of not being a mother and wish for a full night of undisturbed sleep, time to myself, and not having to carry a diaper bag around. I'm sure I will question at some point in motherhood my choice to become a mother because my kids are screaming, have dirty diapers and the hubs is at work leaving me to tend for myself.

 But for now, I'm ready.

What a Weekend

My mom drove to my house Thursday night so she could take me home from the surgery on Friday morning. It was nice to have my mom around for most parts. Except for the parts when her and my husband agreed that I was freaking out. I tend to do that.

Friday 5:45 am- This is the time that Copper Top told me to arrive for my surgery. We arrive promptly at 5:45 to find an empty parking lot, no lights on in the building, and no people anywhere. This is where I freak out. For starters I have never been to this place and was praying it was where I was suppose to be. Once I find they aren’t open, I immediately assume this is not the right place. I call my husband who tells me the only thing he knows to do is to call my dr’s wife. I can’t call her at 5:45 am! But I do because I’m freaking out that this is not the right place. My Dr picks up the phone, I'm sure wondering why the heck I am calling his wife so early in the morning. He cannot believe they aren’t open either, but tells me they open at 6:00 and someone should be there soon. If not, call him back. I later found out that they were both awake because he was actually headed to a delivery and she was up with the baby. I feel better about calling, but still cringe at the thought. If I had just waited the 20 minutes until they opened the door, I would have figured it out myself. But really, who tells someone to be there at 5:45 and forgets to mention that they don’t open until 6?!

After getting settled in, peeing in a cup to make sure I was not preggers (even though I was in the beginnings of a full blown period, which was missing for 2 months) and changing into my gown, the anesteologist enters the room. He then tells me what he is going to do and how he is going to do it. THEN he tells me EVERY possible scenario as to what can happen during this process. I may die, he could accidentally knock some of my teeth out, they might think I am knocked out but feel everything that is going on, I could exasperate, on and on. I mean really, is scaring the living day lights out of someone really necessary right before they are about to go under?! Thankfully I put it all out of my head after he left the room. Anyway, on to the important things.

My 15 minute, not a big deal surgery turned into an over an hour, kind of a big deal surgery. The last thing I remember before going to sleep was someone putting a mask over my mouth and telling me to breath, just breath. The first thing I remember when waking up was the nurses talking, one told the other that he found a cyst on my ovary and asking if it was normal for my urine to be green. Thankfully I heard the other nurse tell her that it was normal, it was because of the dye he put through my tubes. But I started to cry. I’m not sure why. I think it was because I was scared something was wrong. I did not like that he found a cyst either.

When returning to my room my mom explained to me what the Dr said to her. The surgery went good. Instead of taking 15 minutes it took over an hour. There was indeed scar tissue and lots of it. It had covered my uterus, tubes and parts of my ovaries. Everything was stuck together so he unstuck it all. He believes that the scar tissue started growing with in the first month after my surgery. So the past months of trying have been pointless. He found a cyst on one of my ovaries and drained it. He later told me that he thinks that an egg tried to release but got stuck and turned into a cyst, which is probably why I didn’t have a period for 2 months because my body thought I didn’t ovulate. One of my tubes was twisted so he tried to fix it. He felt like he was going to hurt it more than fix it, so he left it alone. He then put dye through my tubes. The dye flowed through wo problem, a good sign! He inserted a drain tube to drain access fluid and blood to keep things from sticking together as bad. Hopefully.

Monday: Today we went back to get the tube removed. I was so ready for it to come out. He explained to me that he is hoping I get pregnant either this month or next month because the scar tissue will start growing back soon. If I don’t get pregnant soon we will have to do one of two things. Go back in and try to repair the tube and remove more scar tissue, or invitro. I am praying we get pregnant this month. Hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be able to tell you that we are pregnant and another surgery or invitro is not needed.

Oh and in case your wondering, yes I went to the party. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. During the hour drive to the party I was beginning to second guess my decision. I was sure my breakfast would come up at any moment. Thankfully it never did and once we got there I was fine. I'm sure some people were wondering what the heck was wrong with me because I'm sure I did not look like the happiest person there. But I made it, I got to enjoy my nephews 5th birthday party.

Just a little nervous

Ok, ok so I am sure your wondering if I'm nervous? Well, yes just a little. I'm sure tomorrow morning when I'm sitting on the table, with a thin, butt barring smock, I will feel the need to pee. That's what happens to me when I get nervous. Even though I just peed and I KNOW I do not need to, it hits me. I have to pee! Happens every single time.

I'm a little scared too, since I'm telling all. I mean what if he goes in and there is no scar tissue (which would be a miracle) or what if there is, he removes it and I still don't get pregnant? What if he finds another tumor? What if my tubes ARE blocked? What if I am in terrible pain Saturday? I hate the "what ifs"!!!! They like to haunt me a lot. And I'm one of those people that wants to know the answer. I don't want a "were not sure" or "maybe". What if this never happens? What if I'm not ever going to have children? Scary stuff!! I try not to think about it and try to think happy and positive thoughts. Maybe this will work and I will be pregnant next month! That would be amazing!! Totally and completely amazing!! Hopefully on Monday morning when I post again I will be telling you that everything went great and things look positive. Please pray with me that everything goes well! 

OOOOOHHHHH!!! I forgot to mention, I THINK  I am about to start! For real! Of course I had to text my Dr's wife immediately and ask if I did start could we still do the surgery. Thank goodness she said yes. I think I may have just not told them if she were to tell me no. (well really not, but I would have thought good and hard about it) But that's my life. That's how things go. All the time. I don't start, don't start, take a pregnancy test, I then start THAT day! And not just in my little hopeful pregnancy world, all parts of it!

Super Excited

It's finally here! It's been a whirl wind of a weekend but some how I managed to talk my Dr into letting me have the surgery. Well actually his wife who I talk to by text. He told me last week to wait until Friday and if I still hadn't started to take another pregnancy test. Then if I'm not start another round of provera. I was totally dreading Friday. One, because I did not want to be faced with taking another pregnancy test, which would once again tell me I was in fact NOT pregnant. Secondly, because I did not want to take another round of provera. So I took the test, neg. Text messaged my Dr's wife to tell her it was neg and that I would be starting the provera that night and that I couldn't wait for the surgery. She promptly text me back and asked if I was serious about the surgery? Was I serious? OMG, of course I was. She then asked when I wanted to do it.

The surgery is this Friday. Exploratory surgery. He said it's really no big deal. He will cut a slit in my belly button, go in with a scope and see if theres any scar tissue. If there is he will remove it. Then he is going to put dye through my tubes to make sure they are clear. Should take about 15 minutes, 20-25 if the scar tissue is bad. And hopefully find a reason for me not having a period for 65 days. I am probably having high hopes but I'm really hoping I'm not in too much pain the next day because it's my nephews bday party and I am really wanting to see him since they have moved. (they are having the party at their old hometown since that's where alot of family and friends are) I guess I will find out soon enough! Praising God and praying this will help me get pregnant!

Ironic Wednesday

Sooooo I talked to my Dr. Told me to wait until Friday, if I still haven't started take another pregnancy test. If it's negative start another round of Provera. Now that I have taken 10 pills of Provera I hope I'm not pregnant because it can cause birth defects. Isn't that ironic that I'm saying that?! Wowsers! Not wanting to do another round of Provera or Clomid. Just wanting to have the surgery and remove the scar tissue. I just have it in my head that the surgery will fix everything. I mean really, it will be a miracle if theres not any scar tissue. The surgery was huge, the tumor was huge, the scar is huge, there has to be scar tissue. Let's just do it and get it over with. Please!
In other news, I am throwing a mail shower for my cousin. All of our family lives too far apart and they all want to go to it. So I decided the easiest thing to do would be to throw her a mail shower. Not as fun but at least she will get somethings she needs. Anyone ever thrown a mail shower? Or at least have any ideas or tips? Would muchly appreciate it!